Real Men of Stupidity
by crematosis
Summary: It's a bunch of oneshots, each about one of the guys from star ocean...some may be repeated...meet Mr. Angsty Movie Watcher, Mr. Angry Drunken Curser, Mr. Shiny Object Stealer and much more. Inspired by the Real Men of genius ads.
1. Mr Angsty Movie Watcher

A/N: Yes, I know…I'm starting way too many things and not really finishing anything I started. I feel really pathetic…I start a story and it takes a year to finish it (oh god…I hope I never get that bad) and I leave all you guys hanging with a cliffhanger. It's sad…look at how many one-shots I've finished and how many chapter stories I've done…but I really can't help it. I have to write when inspiration strikes, and if I'm inspired to do a new story, well…I have to hope I can finish it all before inspiration fades…but this one…the chapters really have nothing to do with each other…I just wrote it about a certain person I felt like about the time. But don't worry…I'll finish it…eventually.

Disclaimer: This was based off the Budweiser or whatever company it was…beer ads called "Real Men of Genius". These stories really have nothing to do with Budweiser or beer…but I just love the super long funny names like "Mr. Mail-order Bride Orderer". Yeah, I'm easily amused…and these stories will most likely be based on my idiotic humor and my weird view of certain star ocean dudes.

Mr. Angsty Movie Watcher, .a.k.a…Fayt Leingod

It was late at night. Fayt sat in the comfortable couch in front of the television with his box of tissues on the seat beside him. Fayt was watching "Pride and Prejudice". Yup, a chick flick.

Fayt sniffled and grabbed a tissue to dab at his eyes. "Oh my gosh, this movie is sooo sad," he whimpered. "Why can't the characters find happiness and true love? Why must they suffer?"

Albel padded into the room dressed in his pajama pants and college sweatshirt. He had a pillow in one hand and a bowl of popcorn in the other. "Wow, didn't expect you up so late. Aren't you supposed to get some sleep for the game tomorrow?"

"In a little bit," Fayt whimpered, his eyes still misty. "Why do they have to make such sad movies?" he wailed.

Albel frowned at the screen. "Eww, a chick flick. Is that the only thing on?" He plopped onto the couch next to Fayt and changed the channel.

"No!" Fayt shouted. "I was watching that."

Albel looked puzzled. "I thought it was torturing you, the way you were acting."

Fayt scowled. "Maybe I like to be tortured." He snatched the channel changer from Albel and changed it back to Pride and Prejudice.

Albel rolled his eyes. "You're so weird, Fayt."

Fayt was once again engrossed in the movie, his eyes red from crying. "Oh no, the angst is killing me!" he cried mournfully.

Albel rolled his eyes and jiggled his foot. "Fayt, this is really boring. Can't we watch sports or something?"

Fayt did not reply but only tightened his grip on the channel changer in case Albel tried to take it again.

Albel sighed. "Fayt, why do you have to be so girly?"

Fayt gave him an irritated look. "You call me girly? You're the one that wears a skirt."

Albel scowled and cross his arms over his chest. "I do not."

Fayt looked embarrassed. "Oops, wrong plot."

"Hell yes it is. I wear the pants in this relationship."

Fayt frowned. "If you wear the pants…what does that mean? I don't wear a skirt either."

Albel brightened. "You can wear the underwear," he said hopefully.

Fayt shoved him. "Pervert," he growled. "Stop interrupting the true love with your stupid kinkiness."

Albel pouted and scowled. "You're the king of mother fucking angst. Angst boy, that's what you are."

"And you're a perverted psycho," Fayt grumbled.

"Bah." Albel squinted at the t.v. angrily. "This stuff is crap. It's so emotional. I can't see why you watch it. Do you want to be sad?"

"No," Fayt muttered. "I just can't help it. I can't stop watching."

"Oh, it's easy to stop. All you have to do is-" He reached for the remote.

"No!" Fayt howled. "Let me watch my movie!"

Albel scowled. "I thought you didn't like being sad. You're such a wimp."

Fayt sniffed. "You just can't appreciate good angst. It's all about unrequited love and heartbreaking tragedy."

Albel rolled his eyes. "Sure. We all love to see someone suffer. But they had to overdo it so much. It's unbelievable."

"It's believable," Fayt growled. "I mean, I'd be sad if there was some misunderstanding that separated me from you."

Albel's expression softened. "Of course, Fayt. That would be terrible."

Fayt sniffled and buried his head in Albel's chest. "Oh god, just thinking about you hating me…if you ever didn't love me…"

Albel held Fayt close and patted his back. "There, there. It's alright. It's just a movie."

Fayt whimpered and glanced back at the screen. "You're right, it's just a movie. But will you stay out here and watch with me to make sure it doesn't happen in real life?"

"Of course," Albel said soothingly.

Fifteen minutes later, Albel and Fayt were watching the movie together, clinging to each other and sobbing. "It's so….so sad," Albel whined. "They both love each other, but they can't see it."

"I know," Fayt said tearfully. "They have a chance to be happy together…but they won't take it. It's so sad."

Suddenly Fayt perked up. "Oh, this is the good part. They finally get to declare their love for each other." He sighed happily.

Albel brightened. "Oh good, the angst is over. Now onto the sex."

Fayt rolled his eyes. "Albel, this is just a movie. They wouldn't show things like that in a movie."

Albel's eyes narrowed. "I've put up with your sappy movies long enough, pretending to be sympathetic. I wasn't talking about the movie anymore. I'm talking about us!"

Fayt blanched and swallowed hard. "I'd rather have the angst," he whispered.


	2. Mr Drunken Angry Curser

A/N: It's another round of random SO3 silliness. I hope I don't confuse people…because seriously, these stories have no relation to each other at all…not only are they not connected in any storyline, some of them are AU, some of them are completely different AU, and some of them actually take place in the SO3 universe. And now, for a word of warning. I rated this series T, because for the most part, it's light-hearted mocking of characters with nothing too graphic…I don't let Albel get away with actual sex, and nobody gets blown into gory, bloody pieces. But this one…has a lot of swearing in it…if I could rate this chapter and just this chapter M, I would. But I can't, so I didn't. Don't be too offended. It's just the name of the chapter…Mr. Angry Drunken Curser…so it contains cursing. Yeah….

Disclaimer: Any subsequent star ocean characters used in the story are licensed by the creators of star ocean 3 and any subsequent situations are figments of the author's imagination and are not pertaining to the actual star ocean storyline…..Hot damn! I sound like a lawyer!

Mr. Drunken Angry Curser….aka, Albel Nox

"Who the fucking fuck do you think you are?" Albel Nox roared, hurling a bottle of whiskey at the offending barstool.

Fayt Leingod winced inwardly. Albel was terrible when he was drunk. He was even more violent than usual and his vocabulary deteriorated to a few choice swear words. Fayt lowered his head and nursed his shot of tequila. Unlike Albel, Fayt did not drink himself to drunkenness. He had a few drinks and then quit before he got wasted.

Albel scowled in the general direction of the bar. Most of the people had already left or were cowering under the bar stools. At least the ones that were sober enough to be sensible.

"Leave me the fuck alone, you fucking bitch!" Albel growled and shoved away the hand of a concerned bartender who attempted to help him out the door.

Albel lurched back to his spot and sat down heavily next to Fayt. "What the fucking fuck is wrong with you, fucknut?"

Fayt sighed and shook his head. "Nothing, Albel. I just wish you wouldn't swear so much."

"I can fucking swear as much as I fucking want,' Albel growled indignantly.

Fayt sighed. "I just wish if you have to swear, that you would do it properly."

"What the fucking fuck is wrong with how I swear?" Albel demanded.

Fayt groaned. "That's exactly my point," Fayt muttered.

Albel scowled and shoved Fayt. "You're a fucking loser, you don't make any sense."

"You're such an ass when you drink," Fayt grumbled.

"I'm not an ass, you ass," Albel snapped.

Fayt smacked a hand against his forehead. "I'm such an idiot. Why? Why did I ever agree to come here with you? I know how you are."

Albel slammed a hand on the counter of the bar and started swearing at the bartender for not giving him another drink. The bartender started explaining the policy of not giving intoxicated customers any more to drink and Albel started swearing some more.

Fayt rolled his eyes. "Just let him have his drink. You'll never hear the end of it if you don't. He'll pass out pretty soon anyway and I'll drive him home."

The harried bartender sighed unhappily and reluctantly agreed. Albel let go of his collar and smirked triumphantly.

"When will you learn?" Fayt muttered. "Threatening people will never get you what you want."

"Yes it will," Albel insisted. "Fuck you and your stupidity, Fayt." He took a sip of his drink and spat. "You call this whiskey! This is shit…and shitty shit too!"

Fayt rolled his eyes and tried to ignore Albel. He munched on his sandwich and chips.

The next thing Fayt realized was Albel's hand tightening around his neck. Fayt flailed wildly. "Bastard! Don't try to choke me!"

Albel grinned. "I can get exactly what I want by force. Now, when we get home, I have plans and don't you try to change them." He trailed a finger down Albel's throat.

Fayt winced as Albel's nails drew blood. "Aw, fuck," he complained.

Albel raised an eyebrow. "Now, now, Fayt. You better watch your language or I might have to take you up on that."

Fayt groaned. No matter what he did, he just couldn't win. There was no arguing with a drunk.


	3. Mr Shiny Object Stealer

A/N: Yesh…more stuff about Albel and Fayt…and this time Roger and Nel and Clair. Next chapter will be about Cliff! I think I'll stop it after Cliff and Adray…because those are really the main guys of Star Ocean, right? Unless I bring in minor characters…or repeat some characters. But anyway…I'll let you all decide.

Disclaimer: I own nothing…blah blah blah.

Mr. Shiny Object Stealer aka…Roger

"Where do you think you're going?" Albel growled.

Roger froze in the middle of dashing out the door. "Err, nowhere?"

Albel smirked. "You've got that right. Now bring back my watch or so help me god, I'll strangle you with this belt." Albel snapped the belt threateningly.

Roger paled and reluctantly set Albel's watch back on the counter. He sighed heavily as he plodded back outside.

Albel chuckled. "Heh, stupid kid. Now what were we talking about, Fayt?"

Fayt shrugged from across the table. "Something about Nel and Clair."

"Right. Now I really don't care what the hell they decide to do in their free time. If they want to eat each other's faces off, they can go ahead as long as I don't have to see that crap."

Fayt snickered. "You're so compassionate, Albel."

Albel scowled and crossed his arms over his chest. "Well, I don't care what anyone does as long as it doesn't involve me. You and Cliff could kiss and I'd be fine with it as long as you don't embarrass me in public."

Fayt made a face. "Eww. I wouldn't go out with Cliff. He's like my brother."

Albel smirked. "That's not the point. If you were gay, I wouldn't care."

"Who said I was gay?"

"You didn't deny it."

"I told you that kissing Cliff would be gross."

"You just said Cliff, not any guy."

"Albel!" Fayt protested. "You know what I mean."

"Well-" Albel suddenly grimaced. "Roger, let go of my foot!" he roared.

"Sorry," came Roger's muffled voice from under the table. "But these buckles are really shiny."

Albel scowled down at his combat boots. "They're not supposed to be ripped off by some grubby little fingers."

Fayt leaned over and peered under the table. Roger looked up at him uncertainly.

"I'm surprised you would try to take something that someone's wearing. They'll notice," Fayt said softly.

Roger shrugged. "Well, I can try."

"Yes, you can try and fail," Albel snapped. "Now, give Fayt back his class ring."

Fayt paled. "Err, let me rephrase that. Albel would notice."

Albel grinned. "Yes, Fayt. I'm more observant than you are. That's why I notice every damn thing the little pest does. Let's go somewhere more private." With a last glare at Roger, Albel pulled Fayt into the other room and slammed the door.

Roger grumbled to himself and glanced once more at Albel's watch, which was still sitting temptingly on the kitchen counter. But he knew if he took it, Albel would kill him.

Roger was suddenly distracted by something else sitting on the opposite counter. His eyes lit up. "Oooh, shiny…"

-----------------------------------------

The next morning, Nel burst into Albel and Fayt's house looking distraught. "I can't find it anywhere!" she screeched. "I know I left it here."

"Find what, woman?' Albel growled, marching out of the bathroom with a towel around his waist and wet hair. "There better be a good reason for disturbing my shower."

"I can't find my ring anywhere," Nel lamented.

"Your ring? The one you're supposed to wear to show that you're engaged to your 'friend' Clair?"

"Yes," Nel sighed. "I took it off to play volleyball with Peppita and Maria. I didn't want it to get dirty or anything, you understand. So I took it off and set it down on your counter…and now I can't find it anywhere. Clair will kill me if I don't meet her at the airport wearing it."

Albel snickered. "It's your fault for leaving it around where someone could have…" He paused and looked thoughtful. 'Yes, I think I know where it is."

"Really? Could you tell me where it is?"

Albel sighed. "That little gold-grubbing brat with the rodent tail has been over pestering us."

Nel's eyes widened. "Roger? The little boy that vowed to be my defender until Clair said I was taken?"

"Yes, that same little pest. You recall his fascination with anything glittering, shiny, or metallic?"

Nel groaned. "Oh god. If I had known he was over I would have never set my ring down. I'm so stupid."

Albel snickered. "Tell me something I don't know."

"Are you going to help me get my ring back or not?' Nel snapped.

"Easy. I'll help you out. You see…I know the perfect plan to trap him and get him to give you that ring if he values his life." Albel leaned closer to Nel and whispered in her ear.

Nel grinned. "Ah yes, that should work. Thank you, Albel." And she went dashing out the door to find Roger.

Albel was basking in the brilliance of his plan when Fayt walked in the room. He frowned and looked Albel up and down. "Something seems different about you…something's missing."

Albel looked down and realized that his belt was missing. "Damn it," Albel growled. "Now where did that little pest go?"


	4. Mr Videogame Obsessor

A/N: This chapter will be my last….unless I get reviews asking for more. I might do something for Adray or go through the cycle again and make Albel something else or whatever. But if I get no reviews or if no one wants me to continue, I stop here.

Disclaimer: I don't own the poor boys…I'm just having fun with them.

Mr. Video Game Obsessor aka…Cliff Fittir

"It's my turn," Albel growled, hands on hips. He stood behind Cliff's chair and glared down at him.

"Almost there," Cliff muttered, eyes glued to the screen as he tightly clutched the controller. "Out of the way, Albel. You're blocking the sun. I can't see."

"But it's my turn now," Albel snarled, nudging Cliff's rocking recliner with his foot.

"Don't mess me up!" Cliff snapped. "I'm in the middle of a fighting tournament. I'll be done in a minute."

"You said that half an hour ago," Albel complained.

"Just be patient," Fayt said mildly, from his spot lying on the floor, watching the screen. "I only got to play five minutes before the game beat me. We each get to play as much of the tournament as we can get through. Let him enjoy his winning streak."

Albel scowled. "Bah. You suck at this game anyway, so what do you care how long you get to play?"

Fayt rolled onto his back and gazed up at Albel. "If you make it through the tournament for half an hour, should we let you play that long too, or would that be unfair?"

Albel waved his hand dismissively. "I'd have beaten the whole thing by now."

"That's because you're good at fighting games."

"So?"

"Cliff's pretty decent at them too, so you'll both have a nice long turn. The wait will make it all worthwhile."

Albel scowled. "Whatever." He sat back down on the couch, staring moodily at the screen.

Cliff frowned in concentration as his meaty fingers pounded the buttons. "C'mon…almost there. KO already."

"Time!" a chirpy electronic voice declared. "Player 1 wins!"

"Alright!" Cliff cheered, momentarily dropping the controller. He hastily picked it back up. "Not bad, not bad at all."

"Hurry up!" Albel growled. "Don't take the whole two minutes each round. A good fighter knocks the other out. He doesn't wait until the time ends and the computer has to calculate damages."

"Don't be so impatient," Fayt said firmly. "Let him play."

Albel scowled. "Get your ass up here and say it to my face."

Fayt sat on the couch next to Albel and looked him in the eye. "Be patient."

Albel frowned. "is something going on between you and Cliff?"

Fayt looked startled. He glanced at Cliff to see if he heard, but the man was too absorbed in his game to notice. "Albel, why would you think that?" Fayt asked.

"You're taking his side," Albel said gruffly.

Fayt looked confused. 'So?"

"You're supposed to take my side," Albel hissed.

Fayt smiled wanly. "I like that you want me so badly, but you don't need to get so possessive. I'm not cheating on you."

"You better not be," Albel said warningly.

'That was a cheap shot," Cliff grumbled.

Albel ignored him and pulled Fayt into and embrace.

"No!" Cliff wailed. "A glitch….rematch!"

"You're starting over?" Albel asked venomously.

"Yeah…it froze on me a second and the computer beat the crap out of me."

"That's because you suck. You're just a button masher."

"Yeah right. I know more about this game than you do. I've played it over a hundred times. It's never froze on me before…I don't understand. But I have to get to the end of the tournament."

Albel let out an irritated growl and looked about to rise and confront Cliff.

Fayt tugged on Albel's shirt. 'Stay here," he pleaded.

With a sigh, Albel let himself be pulled back onto the couch. Fayt smiled and crawled into Albel's lap.

Albel kissed Fayt's cheek and put his arm around Fayt. "Well, this is better than a game any day."

Fayt flushed. "I know…I had to get you to take a break. I hate those violent games. They're so unrealistic."

"I agree," Albel purred. 'Real violence is much better than the videogame kind."

Fayt was about to protest, but Albel distracted him with a kiss. Albel pressed his hips against Fayt's to demonstrate his growing desire for him.

Fayt let out a soft whimper as his body responded.

"Keep it down, Fayt," Albel whispered huskily.

"I can't help it," Fayt said softly, his cheeks a bright crimson.

"Then we need to go somewhere private or we'll scar the big oaf for life."

"At the moment, I don't care," Fayt admitted. But he allowed Albel to help him up.

"Finally!' Cliff crowed. 'All the way to the top. Alright, Albel," he said reluctantly. "It's your turn now." He held up the controller without looking away from the screen. No one took it.

Cliff looked about furtively to see if Albel was still in the room. Seeing no one, he grinned widely and started a new game.


End file.
